It was a beautiful day yesterday. I've been struggling to find some answers and make some tough choices lately. So I did what I usually do and took a long walk in the sunshine. I didn't take my ipod. I didn't need anything playing in my head. Just me, the breeze and the sunshine trying to get me on the right track. I was sad, wondering why making the right choices and getting the answers I needed was so hard all the sudden. I've never struggled with something like this before. And out there in the sun I realized that for all the frusteration I was going through waiting on an answer, I didn't actually want it. I was scared that It might not be what I wanted. So I wasn't willing to listen unless Gods answer complied to my wishes.

I think we all struggle with this to one degree or another. It's hard to want something and find out you can't have it. Or let someone else be in charge. I am often of the mindset "I want! I want!I want!" when I know I should be thinking " I will! I will! I will!" It shouldn't be "my will be done" it ought to be "thy will be done." Like I wrote in my last entry, I have severe controll freak syndrome. And sometimes Gods plan makes me mad because it doesn't fit into mine. I realize that this was one of those times. I didn't want his answer unless it was the same as mine.

So while I was walking, I looked up at the sky and let the breeze blow my hair out of my face (I swear it was the most perfect day yesterday!) I took a deep breath and said out loud " Ok Heavenly Father,...*sigh...I'm ready. Show me what you want me to do,.....I'll do it if you show me the way." And I got this instant feeling like a warm hug that made me feel safe and brave and comfortable. And I got my answer. And I don't know who all is gonna read this, but I'll tell you right now that it made me cry. It wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't what I thought it would be and it isn't going to be easy for me to do. It was not my plan.

So here I am with a lot of tough things in front of me. I don't know how exactly I'll get through it and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself when it's over. But I do know without a doubt that it's what God wants me to do. I know it will lead me to the place I will be happiest and that I will have the courage and strength and comfort that I need to carry it out. My Heavenly Father is incredible that way. I know he's got my back. I know he knows what I need. It's still hard to let go.....It's still going to hurt at some points.... "Pain is an inevitable part of this life. But suffering is a choice we make for ourselves." I don't remember who said that. But it's a good thing to remember when you have tough times.

I don't know where God is leading me. But so long as He is the leader, I will be just fine. Better than fine....life will be wonderful.
I promise you that nothing in life is too much when we're following the right leader.
God bless you all! Ditto=)

Hey guys,
Everyone knows the feeling of having something you can't get off your mind right? You know; the thing that keeps you up till 3 am. and can't seem to come to a resolve or a point where you feel better. I get that feeling all the time.... Lots and lots of late nights and early mornings lately. I have struggled my whole life with "severe control freak syndrome". And I am just terrible at letting go and admitting I don't always have control of everything. It's tough. Everyone wants their life to turn out a certain way. Who wants to admit or acknowledge that Gods plan and your plan don't quite fit together? I sit up all night and try to figure out how to make Gods plan fit in with mine. I forget sometimes like I am sure we all do, that I don't always see the big picture and I am so blessed to have someone who does. I forget that God loves me and wants me to be happy! His plan doesn't always make sense to me, and sometimes it makes me just plain mad. But life has proven time and time again that when I do my own thing my life tends to get messy. But when I do what God wants me to do I always end up happy. Plus it makes it easier to find him and get his help the next time I get a little mixed up. So maybe try something new, give Him the reigns and go to bed on time.

First ever entry!

Hey everyone!
Found an awsome friend who knew what to say to me today to turn my day around. (thanks Karl!) He suggested I start this blog and share what I feel needs to be said. And also whats on my mind. But since my mom will be here (at the library ) to pick me up any minute, all I can say is; When you're having a crappy day and your gut tells you to go talk to a friend, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! Because you never know when they may have just the advice you need.